4:12 pm ~ 
Filed Under:
Love, Rants
I was reading this article today on how one couple vowed to have 101 consecutive days of sex. My first thought was “What’s the big deal? Why is this a headline?” But then I read this:
A 1994 study indicates that 30- to 39-year-olds are having sex an average of 86 times per year, and 40- to 49-year-olds are having sex an average of 69 times per year.
What?! Are you serious? THAT’S IT?! No freaking wonder divorce is rampant. I’m not saying that lack of sex is the only reason for divorce of course (ha ha that rhymed), but seriously, you cannot have a thriving marriage without having sex. I don’t care who you are (unless you’re like, fairly old and unable or something) or what your excuse, it’s just not possible.
I do realize that women get very busy and have a lot of responsibilities and all of that. I am one of them. With twins, trying to run a business, trying to keep the house clean, cook, etc. you can get very busy and very tired. I’m not saying that every woman who doesn’t have sex allll that time has a sucky marriage. I’m not saying any of that at all. What I am saying is that even once a week could do wonders. And I realize this 1994 study would indicate that most have it once a week, I have heard it as being quite a bit less. On Oprah or something I think…. ?
You know what I hate? I hate when some women make up every excuse in the book to not have sex with their husband. On this particular forum I go to, it’s amazing to hear the things women say about their husbands in regards to sex. It’s disgusting to see the excuses they make up!!! They admit to lying and giving all sorts of excuses in order to not have sex with their husband, and then some later come on and bitch and complain about their husbands looking at porn on the internet! I DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR THEM! They bring it on themselves. (Again, this is not all women, I’m talking about the ones who regularly make excuses). And if you go to the extreme, lots even end up cheating. While I do not in any way condone cheating to any degree what so ever, I still can’t feel too sorry for the women either. If you’re not having sex with your husband, the shit is going to hit the fan sooner or later. Promise.
This quote from the article is soooooo true:
Once you stop making love to your partner, you become roommates.
Think about it. What sets your husband apart from any other person you could live with? Sex.
On a pregnancy forum I go to, it’s even worse. Okay seriously, this is probably TMI but I had sex with my husband just as often while I was HUGELY pregnant with twins almost just as often as I did before I got pregnant. And let me tell you, that is pretty darn often. Just because you are pregnant it’s not a ticket for you to deny your husband of a basic human need. Some women are just ruthless. It makes me sick. One of the biggest excuses “I’m not in the mood”. Okay well you know what? GIVE IN and quit trying to play power trips and you might actually be surprised. There are a lot of times that I don’t exactly feel “in the mood” but when I just quit being selfish, I end up having some of the best sex ever. Again, I’m very sorry Mom, and Mom #2, way too much info. But, seriously.
I know that I am pretty much by far in the minority on this thinking. And that’s fine with me. I just think it’s very sad how many women are robbing themselves of an awesome marriage, and for what? I really think most of the time it’s a power trip. You would be amazed at how much better a marriage is when you add regular sex into the picture. Seriously. Give it a try. I have an amazing, fun, lively marriage with my husband for a lot of reasons and I KNOW that sex is one of them. And when I don’t feel “in the mood” for sex it’s fine with him. Because he knows I’m not just making up some fake excuse or pretending to be asleep.
I’m sorry. I kind of went off on a big rant there.
I’m going to go for 102 days. I wonder if I’ll make it on Fox News.
P.S. Since it wasn’t made perfectly clear, I would like to add that I DO think that women have the right to refuse sex. I do not think that women need to just bow down and have sex with their husbands whenever they want it. My issue is with HOW some women going about refusing it. You can do it honestly and kindly, and that’s fine. But when you lie and make up excuses to not do it, that is wrong. In my opinion. This is all my opinion. It’s my blog, remember? 
August 21st, 2008 at 4:46 pm
I agree…except in terms of high-risk pregnancies and sex being a no-go, which is kind of the case for us. I doubt that’s the case in every situation on your pregnancy forum, but it does tend to happen, especially with a history of preterm labor. Heh. And that sucks honestly because it does feel like you become more stuck in the roommate rut than with a partner, but this too shall pass.
August 21st, 2008 at 4:53 pm
o my goodness! thankyou! atleast someone agrees with me! like seriously…2…3….4 times a day! haha iknow TMI….but I feel really sorry for those guys who have to suffer “personal pleasure” and then “getting in trouble” for it when their woman doesn’t want to have sex with them! absolutely ridiculous!! hey atleast they aren’t out having sex with someone else right?
sheesh, people these days!
August 21st, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Yes of course, there are always real legitimate reasons for not having sex.
I’m just talking about that particular breed of women who use sex as a tool or as leverage against their husband, making excuses every single time they are approached with sex. It’s just sad to me.
I’m not talking about every women and all marriages. I’m sure I’ll get lots of hateful comments from people thinking I think I know it all and that I’m talking about everyone.
August 21st, 2008 at 4:55 pm
OMG I know it’s like, a guy has to result in uh…. personal satisfaction…. and then their wife gets mad at them for it! When they aren’t even having sex with them! What do they expect?!
August 21st, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Disclaimer: I’m not married. Still got the v card. So maybe I’m not qualified to answer this… but I am anyway.
I totally agree with you though. I mean… sex is such an important part of marriage. So it seems to me that if you take it out you’re taking away something really important. It’s not the ONLY part of marriage, sure, but it’s a pretty big part.
August 21st, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Agreed, a billion times! Everything you said! I can’t believe some women discuss making up excuses on message boards and then go on to complain about their husbands looking at porn or cheating. I’m sure if they were shot down numerous times year after year they’d end up doing the same, come on, we’re human beings.
On Oprah this week, it was a rerun though, Dr. Oz was saying that couples should do it at least 3 times a week for HEALTH reasons. Haha. There’s extra motivation !!
August 21st, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Well, that post hit a little close to home for me. I would fall into the “below average” couple category.
For me, I’ve stopped wondering why. Everything else in the marriage is pretty decent, so I take what I can get.
August 21st, 2008 at 10:10 pm
I’m sorry, I hope I didn’t offend you.
Really I was only talking about one type of woman… I don’t know how to explain it any better… I just see this trend among certain types of women.
*shrugs*
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:20 am
I totally understand where you are coming from, but I dont think you did a good job explaining your point. You make it sound as if a women dosent have a right to refuse sex when she does not want it. Maybe there are underlying factors as to why she is refusing in the first place. If so, I agree that she shouldnt bitch if he’s looking at porn. Topics like this are finiky, but I agree that sex in a relationship is important, how important.. I think depends on the individuals within that relationship.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:33 am
i completely agree with you sarah! its not healthy for the relationship for one thing and besides that its just plain mean.
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:36 am
i see the trend too, sarah.
some of my closest friends (around 25 years old) are in relationships and want very little to do with sex or intimacy. their relationships are failing, no doubt ..but there’s no convincing them that a healthy dose of sex just might help matters. they go as far as saying they hate sex & i just can’t imagine being in a relationship and NOT wanting to be *that* close to my partner.
i’m not married but my boyfriend & i do sleep together, not an uncommon thing. i know that after a few days where we haven’t had the time (or energy) to be intimate, i definitely feel a little off. after we get back on track i always feel more connected & even more bonded to my sweetheart.
good post!
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:14 am
I didn’t mean for it to sound like a woman doesn’t have the right to refuse sex. Not at all.
As I said in a previous comment I made, I am talking about a specific type of woman that uses sex like a tool.
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:34 am
well, my husband is recently deployed so, sex is completely out of the question. but when he’s home. seriously, 3 times a day or more. we like to keep it adventurous and fun. but we recently went 10 months without having sex because he was in iraq, but when he came home for R&R, oh man. we were like rabbits. TMI, sorry.
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:59 pm
I don’t even see where you made a point of saying women didn’t have the right to say no to sex. All you said was that a lot of women were making up excuses, even lying when doing so, and were talking about the type of excuse they were giving on the Internet - which, all of three, are wrong. You don’t want to have sex because you have a piercing migraine, fine, but saying you do when you don’t is wrong, and not making the effort to be intimidate with your partner on a regular basis is also wrong, which these women clearly aren’t doing if they’re avoiding it and making up excuses all the time.
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:06 pm
Tell me this. WHY ON EARTH would I SERIOUSLY think that women have no right to refuse sex??? LOL! That’s just stupid.
I was going off on a rant on a topic which really irks me. Usually when that happens, I don’t spell out every little point. I thought it was pretty basic of an idea that clearly women have the RIGHT to refuse sex.
HOW they go about doing it is what bothers me.
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Hi Sarah! I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now & I have a different perspective to consider. Ghandi and his wife were celibate for many many years. His wife died in his arms and he is said to never have been the same after he lost her. That doesn’t sound like a relationship on the rocks or headed to divorce does it? The real reason for divorce is we are living in a culture that glorifies self gratification. If you don’t get what you want it’s okay to get it wherever you choose (affairs, divorce & pornography for example) Sex is very healthy and beautiful but it is not like breathing. It is not a body function and not necessary for a loving solid relationship. In fact through periods of celibacy both men & woman learn self control. Like you said sometimes the best sex you have is when you didn’t initially want it… it was out of selflessness and that is what is really rewarding. Living glorifying love rather than lust. These woman obviously have far bigger problems than lack of sex in their marriage. Sex isn’t the magic ingredient they need. For all we know their husbands may not be kind to them or who knows. The magic ingredient is “LOVE” & it’s possible it just isn’t there. It may be their own fault it may be the hubbies fault too. No woman should just have sex because her husband needs it or ELSE. There needs to be lots of love & they should together be open to the new life it may bring.
August 22nd, 2008 at 6:11 pm
I agree Mary.
Very good perspective. I’m clearly not very good at expressing my rants lol! 
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:22 pm
I think you expressed yourself quite clearly. The responses have also all been very insightful.
I can only speak from a guy’s point of view. As I said before, my marriage is fine, except for the sex. Once or twice a month is pretty much it and I’m the one who has to initiate it ALL the time (not very fun).
I don’t think some women understand that guys are VERY sexual creatures. Even some of the best of us are going to look other places if we aren’t being satisfied at home. I have never and would never consider cheating, but I’m sure some guys cheat simply because their wives don’t care about that aspect of the marriage.
If the difference between a boring (roommate) marriage and a good marriage or between an ok marriage and an awesome marriage is a little spontaneous nooky now and then, why wouldn’t you do it?
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:35 pm
I think what Sarah said was invaluable information. Also, what Mary said is correct also. I believe that sex is an indication of what’s going on in the marriage as well. It’s a fruit per sei. Does that mean if a couple isn’t having sex, then there is no way they are close? well no not exactly, but we usually kind of go with the majority when we talk about these things. We aren’t talking about Ghandi’s simply because most people don’t have the depth to understand where their animalistic urges such as sex come from…..I’m not even sure if Ghandi knows, but thats neither here nor there. As Harry said, we ARE sexual creatures. Our minister at church Ed Young has spoken on this topic many times. It’s a very intrical part of who we are. It’s more important to understand why its there, so that we can be responsible with it. When Sarah is talking about the excuses women make, it highlights the problem that Mary said exists in these women. The problem is not that they aren’t having sex. The problem is that they too are self centered. Here’s some serious TMI, but I think its applicable: I can’t enjoy sex with my wife if I feel like she isn’t connecting with me. Is that 100% of the time? Probably not, but it is most of the time. I have admitted fully that I am a man. My wife loves me for EVERYTHING I am. One of the fruits of selfless love is care about the needs of the person you love, as well as the needs that your relationship has. Sex is one of many very deep ways to be intimate but it certainly is somewhere at the top of the list in terms of how to experience your love for each other in a very perfect way. That would only insure a closer and more intimate relationship. It keeps it alive.
August 23rd, 2008 at 11:09 am
I don’t honestly get how people can not want to have sex.
August 23rd, 2008 at 2:42 pm
i agree with your thoughts sarah! 5 years into marriage and I now think i understand my husband and his physical needs so much more, and me making the effort regularly in bed has amazing effects on our marriage and our connection level.
August 23rd, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Men have 40-60 times the testosterone females do. I don’t think a lot of females really understand what that means. I was reading an article on females athletes that used steroids and it talked about how dramatically their libidos changed. I don’t know how guys handle it.
August 25th, 2008 at 9:40 am
I love sex. I can’t understand how people can go without it in relationships… That is, until this present moment. At 9 weeks pregnant, I have all the libido, but feel sick ALL the time and honestly could not partake without ending the mood in a violent way.. So I will wait a few more weeks and we will be back on track.. This topic totally made me think of Miranda on the Sex and the City movie… no wonder her husband strayed. Not only had she been a complete bitch, but had withheld from sex for over a year!! No way..
August 26th, 2008 at 1:56 am
I feel better after seeing the amount of testosterone in men. I was wondering if something was wrong with me
but yeah its like men are mean if they don’t consider that “women are just built that way” but seems like a lot of women these days don’t care about it the other way around ….. And all this from my new blackberry I got completely free!
August 28th, 2008 at 2:19 am
I know it’s your rant or whatever, but I think women are sick of using birth control. IUDs, whatever to prevent pregnancy. some women actually make more money than their husbands and have important careers. it’s important for them to cook for their man, work just as much and then they are asked to satisfy men’s libido when they think they have a chance to rest? sex might feel good, but not being able to pay the mortgage b/c the women decided to place sex over her career and got pregnant, well that’s very stressful for a woman!
somehow viagra is covered under medical insurance, but birth control isn’t. we live in an oversexed generation that caters to men and maybe that’s why our society is so sick.
August 28th, 2008 at 2:30 am
Plus sex isn’t a way to keep a marriage alive. Sex gives people a fake sense of intimacy that wears off after a few months. It’s like a drug that lets you put on rose colored glasses. I think the real way to keep a marriage alive, is to take off the rose colored glasses and see things for what they really are and see how things really are
August 28th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Well, obviously we disagree Anna and that’s fine. That’s your opinion.
However, since when is birth control NOT covered by insurance??? Every single insurance company I have ever had covered birth control 100%. Also, I currently do not have insurance for myself, and my birth control costs me $9 each month. So, if these successful women who make more than their husbands and are too tired to have sex with them don’t want to get pregnant, spend 9 measly dollars and buy some birth control pills.
I mean really, that’s no good excuse, in my opinion. It’s a power trip by these “successful women who make more than their husbands”. Clearly there are other problems than sex if a husband expects a woman who works all day long and then comes home and cooks and cleans to have sex at the drop of a hat. I never said that is what should happen…
And as far as the rose glasses or whatever you called them… I don’t get how sex provides a false sense of intimacy. Sure if sex is the ONLY intimacy that occurs, then okay, that would be a “false” sense of “intimacy”. But again, that’s your opinion. If you want to deny sex in your marriage to get some different better sense of intimacy, go for it.
August 28th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Thank you Anna. You just made me appreciate my wife much more.